To Whom it May Concern: Mind Your Damn Business

It has come to my attention that there are certain people viewing my profile and reading my blogs who have no business to and I would just like to make a brief statement regarding the idiocy of this.

First of all, I am fully aware that unless I adjust my personal settings, myspace is completely public and everyone has access to it. I'm okay with that. I've never put my phone number or my address on here and I try to keep everything as general and first-name as possible. However, I do have a problem with the fact that people who don't really know me or have any business (or shouldn't even have any interest) going through all my blogs or looking at my boyfriends profile, get on the internet and do just that, and then have the audacity to tell other people about it or involve themselves in it. I think it just goes without saying that, even though anyone can read my blogs, I write them for myself and my friends. And if you aren't me or one of my friends, you can read all you want, but at least know where the line is and refrain from confronting me about something I've written or making (and then verbalizing) all sorts of wild assumptions. I write really silly stuff in my blogs...I write really serious stuff in my blogs...I write really boring stuff in my blogs...I've been known to write a little poem...and these things should only be relevant to you if you know me.

And the things you read about or by someone you don't know are taken out of context almost immediately. For instance, Aaron might say, "Black people have no business dressing up like Santa Clause." If you actually know him, you laugh. You laugh because you know he's not racist, that he's very sweet and openminded and that's just his sense of humor. Now, if you don't know him, you might think, "Why, he's a big fat racist!" But you would be wrong. And you should have enough sense in your head to know that you might have misread something and it takes more than reading a few sentences to form an opinion of someone. And you have no place running off at the mouth or causing some big hoopla about it.

I'm just disappointed in humanity anymore. I'm disappointed in adults who do childish things and try to justify them. I am disappointed in people who lie about shit that isn't even remotely funny or appropriate to lie about to get their way. It's the equivalent of a child stomping their foot and flinging themself down on the floor in order to get her way. For intance: "I just won't go to class today and I'll the teacher I was diagnosed with breast cancer so she'll pass me anyway" or "My husband lies and cheats and doesn't love me or pay any attention to me, so I will hurt and lie to anyone and everyone in order to manipulate him into honesty and faithfulness." (Oh, and make a little note: He will never be faithful.)

And to the person that this whole blog is directed to (sealed with a kiss, of course): Go ahead. Call him. Print it off. Make copies and nail them to all the trees in your neighborhood. I don't care. I am ok with myself and I am allowed to write whatever the hell I please. You just need to ask yourself what you're looking for here. Why are you continuing with this? You asked me questions, I gave you honest answers, you fucked me over, I said fuck off. That is where the story ends...theoretically, ideally. It would be nice if you would just go away. I would think that you would want to wrap this all up and tuck it away, move on with your life. But you have allowed yourself to be trapped in this cycle. And your life is going to dwindle until you have nothing more. And I guess that's when you go crazy?

Pepsi Will Kill Your Bladder and Wow My Feet Hurt

I don't even have anything left to say after the title!

But, seriously, kids, Pepsi will kill your poor little bladder (and your kidneys...and your urinary tract...and your lawn..just kidding...about the lawn, that is). I went to the doctor yesterday and did my traditional Pee All Over Myself and The Floor Before Finally Getting Three Drops in the Cup routine (big favorite with the cleaning crew crowd) and hey, guess what! I have a raging bladder infection. I knew there was something wrong, but it didn't occur to me that it might be bad until Julie came in and sat down, looked at me with this horrified expression on her face and said, "So when was the last time you drank any water, Bethany? Gatorade? Lemonade? Orange Juice? Anything that's not brown and carbonated?" Hee hee, oops.

I have a serious aversion to water. When I was a little kid, I had some pretty serious kidney problems and I couldn't have anything but water. I drank water until my little stomach was freezing cold and my pee was reusable. I dreamed about Coke. I fantasized about Coke. And when I turned 18, I went out and bought one, damnit. And it was everything I could have ever imagined and so much more. And I've been hooked ever since. And now that my mommy can't make me drink water, I don't. At all. It takes a lot (like severe dehydration, large sums of money, the fate of the world) to make me drink even the slightest drop. I don't care how refined or filtered or from what spring it came bubbling and sparkling from, it's gross and unsatisfying.

Oh, and I worked last night at Barnes and Noble. It was really my second day, but Monday I just read some stuff and watched other people work. Last night, I actually got to do something...and my feet suffered. I had forgotten what it's like to just stand for any significant amount of time. I guess I've gotten pretty comfortable here behind my desk in my little cushy rolly chair, kicking my shoes off and eating too many christmas tree cakes. My feet were absolutely killing me by 11 o'clock! I did get to work with a really sweet girl named Chrystal though. She was so much fun to work with and she really made me feel comfortable training because she was so laid back about it. She didn't make me feel pressured which makes all the difference in the world when you're trying to learn a new job and you already feel like a great big idiot.

Oh, and for those of you who care, my cell phone is on the blitz because it's...I forget the technical term...oh, you know...a peice of cow shit rolled in pig intestines. And yes, I just made that up, but it's surprisingly appropriate. First of all, it will not hold a charge. The car charger won't plug all the way into the phone unless I hold it (basically redneckerize it) this really funny way and just sit there, never moving or breathing. Obviously, there is only so long I can do this. So, if I'm talking to you (Christine!) and all of a sudden, it cuts off, you know why. And don't get mad, just know that I'm on the other end still talking to myself, oblivious, and that I will keep doing this for at least five minutes. I'm an ass and this should make you feel better.

Aaron comes back in four days! I am so excited. I was telling Christine today that it's kind of been the opposite of when he left. I know, that's obvious, but I mean as far as my emotions go. When he left, it took a few weeks before it finally sank in that he was gone, that I couldn't just grab the phone and call him for no reason or even the best reason in the world. And now that he's coming back, it's sinking in the same way, really slowly. Sometimes I'll just be minding my own business, doing something incredibly important (aren't I always?) and then I'll just start smiling all of a sudden because it will occur to me that in a little over a week, I will be able to see him! That sounds stupid...but when you go so long without seeing someone, it's the biggest deal in the world. I will be able to see him and hug him and kiss him and scratch his chin (loves) and hold his hand and look in his eyes and...wow, I'm excited!

So, now I'm sitting here drinking my 24 oz. Pepsi, taking my bladder medicine (look everyone, irony!). Tonight, I am going to meet mom and Paytonio at the mall to hang out and get a bite to eat and then we're going to Sams to do something itenerary free shopping. Jimmy is being a melodramatic asshole.

Kisses

Thanksgiving

This was by far the most stressful and emotional Thanksgiving ever. And considering that the members of my family could have been the inspiration for all the characters in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, that's saying a lot.

First of all, the house was packed...with strangers. It's just so weird anymore, going to my childhood home and there are all these weird people there, just making themselves at home when they weren't ever really officially invited. My uncle's wife has decided that it's okay to bring her entire family with her to Thanksgiving and impose them upon us when all I really want to do is wear sweatpants and spill food on myself and not care. I'm just so territorial and I know that's awful...I know I should just grow up and be more accepting. I didn't even know who half of those people were and no one bothered to introduce them to us. Argh.

And Josh has just completely given up on life and it's really fucking with my head. I just can't seem to let go. We had this big conversation Thursday and I ended up in tears...I just don't understand. I told him he was selfish and that he knows that I will never be able to be completely happy until he is and he said that was my problem. Mom told me that I'm going to have to let go, that I can't let my happiness be dependent on anyone else, that I have to choose between Payton and Josh. I don't know how you just give up on someone, though, how you just bail out on them when they need someone to at least tell them to shut up when they're being an asshole or to keep them from smoking their mind into nothingness. It doesn't matter what I do with my life, what I accomplish or where I go, it will never be as good as it could be if Josh was happy. Moving on is so much more cruel than people want you to think. It sounds so passive, like you're just letting something slide, closing your eyes for a minute. But really, it's weakness and cowardice and betrayal. And I worry all the time about Josh either killing himself or being killed and I know that I will not be able to live with myself knowing that I let him down. It's like, the exact opposite of what you want to do. He is in need, so my first inclination is to help him, but I'm being told that for my own health and sanity, I have to cut those ties. And the part that makes me feel the worst is that in a way, he has already given up on me. He told me Thursday that he just doesn't care about anything. And I asked him if that included Payton and he said that as much as it hurt to say it, that yes, it did. But I'm still clinging to it like some stupid little kid. I want so much for him to just snap out of it. I want him to emerge from this personal struggle and be able to say that his family stuck by him through everything. But I don't know if this is the kind of personal struggle you emerge from. It just makes me sick because I see his life for what it could be, but then what it probably will and no one wants to face the worst about someone they love. I see him stuck in dead end jobs, living with this person or that person or in some shitty trailer or apartment...I see him drinking and doing drugs and having empty and abusive relationships...stealing and fighting, being arrested. It's hard caring about someone who doesn't care about themself. I wish that as soon as he stopped caring about himself, I could have. But if anything, I am compensating for the pride and respect he should have.

But, I did get to see Amber and that made me happy. I miss her so much sometimes. I hate leaving Savannah after I've hung out with her. She makes me feel like a different person...like a happy person. No one else can compare to the relief I feel when I'm around her...the way we laugh about the silliest stuff, the way we relate to each other and gripe about our boyfriends, the way we understand what the other one is saying without ever hearing the right words. Hopefully I can move to Savannah soon and we can hang out like we used to!

I talked to Eli's sister Thursday evening. She had told Josh to let me know that she wanted to see Payton and at first, I was completely against it. But then I got started thinking and I had to be honest with myself and admit that whatever is going on with Eli and I has nothing to do with her. She's always been nice and she loves Payton to death and she is still his aunt, no matter what. So we talked for about an hour and it was good. It felt nice to get a glimpse into his life without actually having to survive the emotional trauma of speaking directly to him. I don't think things are going very well for him...he has changed a lot for the worst, it sounds like. And as angry as I am and as much as I hate him sometimes, I feel bad for him. I never wanted him to be miserable...

Wow, I didn't know all that was going to just explode all over this blog, geez! I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

The Flappy Layers of Life

Lmao, Josh!

So, I went for my orientation for Barnes & Noble today. I think I'm really going to like it, but there were some things that struck me as oddly reminiscent of my days at Bed, Bath and Beyond. For instance: The torture chamber they refer to as Receiving, the weird and nonsenical division of the store into zones, the cash room. I think I'll like this a lot more, though, because I love books! And one of the biggest perks, as least for me, is that I can borrow books for two weeks! That just makes me happy...I'll never have to buy another book (at least for myself) as long as I work there!

Went to lunch with Elliott and Josh after chemistry today and I was quite enlightened as to the complicated inner workings of both the hetero and homosexual male mind. It's so funny...Elliott and Josh are like, complete opposites, and they just crack me up. I like hanging out with them...they don't stress me out like everyone else.

Leaving tomorrow for Savannah...dear god, help me. I have a bad feeling about this trip. First of all, we're leaving late in the afternoon tomorrow and coming back late in the afternoon on Thursday, which means about 10 hours of travel in 24 hours. And considering mom and I never make a whole trip either to or from Savannah without having some huge argument, this should be very, very bad for everyone involved. Oh, and Jimmy is coming with...weird. I'm not used to the four of us doing anything together. And the chances of all of us making it out of the car at the end of this Thanksgiving exercusion alive and still speaking to each other is slim. Payton is the only one anyone even likes. The only reason I'm even going is to keep Josh company. It's kind of sad, Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday, and it still is, but I just really don't enjoy it as much as I did. Maybe it's part of getting older, or maybe it's the fact that my family has very slowly fallen apart over the years, I don't know. All I know is this is the last Thanksgiving I ever get to have at my grandparents and I hope that we can all put our differences aside and try to enjoy it. I want the few memories Payton has been able to collect at the farm to be warm and fuzzy.

So, then I come back Thursday, work and school Friday, then Ashley and I are going to work out at Warner Park! I am excited...I've finally found my work out buddy! She's a really sweet girl and she has the cutest little girl, Lily, who I think Payton would just love. And then the weekend (maybe a movie with Josh...hmmmm...???) and then both Monday and Tuesday I have school, bank, and closing at B&N.

I'm sad...it doesn't look like I'm going to have enough time for Payton or Aaron. I miss Payton all the time as it is and Aaron...I don't even know. If we don't have the weekends, what do we have? I am so scared that I'm going to lose him. I've been thinking lately about all the girls who could be with who are prettier and closer and childless and I just get so insecure. It would just suck really bad if he came home and I finally had him near and then it just fell apart. I need to scratch his chin :0( And, just a really psychotic note to any other girl who might consider touching my boyfriends anything...I will kill you...and make it really painful...and then mail your body parts to your parents...

Kidding...kisses lovers and friends!

Am I the only person who finds it incredibly pathetic that, with all that's going in the world today, CNN makes damn sure to find time to keep us all informed of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their stupid wedding?

First of all, why does anyone even care? Katie Holmes is a total no talent B-lister whose claim to fame is, sadly, getting to second base with James Van Der Beek on a show that has a cozy little spot on TBS at, what, eleven a.m.? And Tom Cruise...oh my god. He's not even cute. He's somehow managed to make the entire female population swoon over him in cheesy movies with even cheesier music and catch phrases and made way too much money dancing in his damn underwear. He's cocky and judgemental and too short to even count. He's become a multi-millionaire by doing nothing by having his teeth whitened, wearing leather jackets and pretending to disarm bombs.

And my next question would be...WHO IN THE HELL IS TOM CRUISE TO GET MARRIED IN A FOREIGN DAMN COUNTRY IN A FUCKING CASTLE?! The historical value of whatever location this nauseating couple chooses will implode and disappear as soon as they set foot in it. I'm sure they'll choose some really old church with all this religious and cultural significance. Now, the history books will read, "And after Jesus slept in the choir loft...and the first Pope was born on the front steps...and Jimmy Hoffa's body was uncovered in the baptismal...Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes invited all of their other overpaid, anorexic, self-involved and wasteful friends to fly first class on invidiual private jet planes to join them in celebration of their universal (and slightly baffling) sex appeal and affinity for nonsenical religions!"

And Suri. I am so over this stupid Suri business. You want to know what is really sad? What is really a shame? What says more about Tom Cruise (and men in general, but that's a different blog) than anything he's ever done on Oprah's couch or said to Brooke Shields? The fact that the two children he adopted with the lovely and talented and beautiful Nicole Kidman have disappeared off the face of the planet, not to mention to front of all the tabloids. They just don't exist in Tom Cruise Land anymore. It's all about this hairy monkey kid, Suri.

It's just ridiculous. All these "celebrities" make such a big deal about it every time they attend a PETA meeting or donate a couple million to the Breast Cancer Foundation, but then they drive the hummers that are tearing our environment apart and drop a couple hundred thousand on a coat made from the skins of dozens of helpless animals (or blow countless millions of dollars so that they can get married in Italy surrounded by the authentic native peasants). And the bad part is that we encourage them to behave this way. We pay for their lifestyle and then the average person couldn't even get a damn autograph on the street. We sit around and bitch and moan about never having any money and never being able to afford anything nice, and then we pay to go to the movies and ensure that fish-lips Angelina will be able to afford to buy out Prada. Why does Kirsten Dunst make more than a school teacher? What do any of these people even do to deserve this luxury and adoration? Don't even get me started on the fact that Tiger Woods makes more money by knocking a little plastic ball into a hole than most people could ever even imagine getting their hands on, even playing the Power Ball.

I hate that I have to sit here at work and listen to the exact measurements of Katie Holme's extravagent wedding gown or what color underwear Jada Pinkett Smith wore on the plane ride over to the site. Isn't there a war or something going on anywhere?

Sorry, Ma'am, I'm Going to Have to Confiscate Your Uterus

Go ahead and give me the ovaries, too.

Our planet is facing a new fad and I'm not talking about Calvin Klein. I'm talking something much more serious, much more grave and addictive--excessive reproduction.

Never am I more aware of this problem than when I go to the mall. Everywhere I go, children, babies, pregnant women! The other day, I even saw a heavily pregnant woman pushing a stroller with twins in it that couldn't have been more than a year old.

First of all, what makes these people think that the world needs anymore people? Most of the ones who already exist don't like each other, anyway. We can't agree on anything. We're constantly either bombing or killing or suing or raping each other. Every day, someone does something to make me embarassed to even be a human being.

And for everyone complaining about not being able to find a job, or not being able to get into college, or not being able to find anywhere to live, or food shortages, just try to imagine what it's going to be like in about ten years, when all these kids with five and six siblings grow up and start mimicking their parents. Earth does have a maximum capacity, folks. We might not know that exact number, but by the time we do, it will be too damn late. And I don't want my son to have to suffer because you couldn't stop humping your little weenie accountant husband and making new and joyous additions to your family. They are only new and joyous to you. We're not even breeding for speed or strength anymore, for God's sake! This next generation is going to be nothing but Ralph Lauren fags and Juicy whores. If you're going to have fifteen children, make sure to push each of them off the porch at least one time a day. This ensures that in fifteen years when they are set loose into society, I won't have to listen to them whine and blubber about getting a boo-boo or any other such nonsense. Our kids need to be tough. I think it's pretty safe to say that my son will be kicking some serious ass on the playground (all the Walter's and Jule's don't stand a damn chance.)

I think that eventually, the government should place some restrictions on childbearing and raising. Such as:

1) If you aren't a legal, permanent resident of the United States, you are under no circumstances permitted to have children in our country. It's bad enough that you are here, taking our jobs and threatening our security, I'll be damned if your kid is going to reap the same benefits as my child when you don't pay any damn money to be here.

2) If you don't know the capital of the United States or how to spell past a third grade level, you are under no circumstances permitted to reproduce. The last thing we need is for the stupid people to start multiplying.

3) If you already have two kids, you are only allowed to have more if the first two turned out to be perfect. I'm talking about, potty trained at age 1, writing in cursive in kindergarten, yes ma'am, yes sir kind of kids.

Of course, there would be many more regulations such as these. Also, I think that every person who wishes to have a child should have to take a test to determine if they are competent enough to do so. I mean, you can't even wash someone's hair at the salon without passing a damn test. We can't drive a care without passing a damn test. However, we can have as many kids as we want, no preperation necessary! The test would be as follows:

True/ False 1) It is perfectly safe to leave a four year old child in a locked car for three hours in the middle of July.

True/False 2) I believe that Mellow Yellow, hostess cupcakes and pixie stixs represent the eleven major food groups and therefore constitute a very healthy, balanced meal.

True/ False 3) I graduated from high school

True/ False 4) I have more pride in myself and my family than to take my child to school knowing that his head is completely covered in lice and he hasn't washed his ass in weeks.

True/ False 5) I will probably buy my daughter breast implants for her fifteenth birthday.

True/ False 6) I am/have been/probably will be on welfare

Etc., etc. What do you think?

It really makes me mad that people are so self-involved. Everyone thinks that they are better than everyone else, therefore their children will be better than everyone else, and therefore they are entitled to have as many as they want and take up everyone elses oxygen, money and space. They just keep on reproducing, building up horrible credit buying things like Eddie Bauer strollers and Gucci baby jogging suits, letting their kids run amuck all over the place. (It always strikes me as odd that the people who have the most children and seem so hell bent on having as many as possible are the worst parents. Their kids are disrespectful and spoiled out of their ugly little heads and they make my life miserable.) And, just a quick sidenote, I think it is incredibly irresponsible and cruel of the human race to keep on having more and more children when their are kids all over the world living on the streets, starving, lonely, being abused or shifted through the foster care system. I say let's take care of the one's we have before we make a whole bunch of new ones. You might say, "Well, I want children of my own and those other kids aren't my responsibility." Yeah, they are the entire worlds' responsibility, because when they grow up, they are just going to be older versions of themselves--bitter, hungry, lonely, hurting. And they are going to make your life and living hell.

I hope I get some nasty responses to this.