Sorry, Ma'am, I'm Going to Have to Confiscate Your Uterus

Go ahead and give me the ovaries, too.

Our planet is facing a new fad and I'm not talking about Calvin Klein. I'm talking something much more serious, much more grave and addictive--excessive reproduction.

Never am I more aware of this problem than when I go to the mall. Everywhere I go, children, babies, pregnant women! The other day, I even saw a heavily pregnant woman pushing a stroller with twins in it that couldn't have been more than a year old.

First of all, what makes these people think that the world needs anymore people? Most of the ones who already exist don't like each other, anyway. We can't agree on anything. We're constantly either bombing or killing or suing or raping each other. Every day, someone does something to make me embarassed to even be a human being.

And for everyone complaining about not being able to find a job, or not being able to get into college, or not being able to find anywhere to live, or food shortages, just try to imagine what it's going to be like in about ten years, when all these kids with five and six siblings grow up and start mimicking their parents. Earth does have a maximum capacity, folks. We might not know that exact number, but by the time we do, it will be too damn late. And I don't want my son to have to suffer because you couldn't stop humping your little weenie accountant husband and making new and joyous additions to your family. They are only new and joyous to you. We're not even breeding for speed or strength anymore, for God's sake! This next generation is going to be nothing but Ralph Lauren fags and Juicy whores. If you're going to have fifteen children, make sure to push each of them off the porch at least one time a day. This ensures that in fifteen years when they are set loose into society, I won't have to listen to them whine and blubber about getting a boo-boo or any other such nonsense. Our kids need to be tough. I think it's pretty safe to say that my son will be kicking some serious ass on the playground (all the Walter's and Jule's don't stand a damn chance.)

I think that eventually, the government should place some restrictions on childbearing and raising. Such as:

1) If you aren't a legal, permanent resident of the United States, you are under no circumstances permitted to have children in our country. It's bad enough that you are here, taking our jobs and threatening our security, I'll be damned if your kid is going to reap the same benefits as my child when you don't pay any damn money to be here.

2) If you don't know the capital of the United States or how to spell past a third grade level, you are under no circumstances permitted to reproduce. The last thing we need is for the stupid people to start multiplying.

3) If you already have two kids, you are only allowed to have more if the first two turned out to be perfect. I'm talking about, potty trained at age 1, writing in cursive in kindergarten, yes ma'am, yes sir kind of kids.

Of course, there would be many more regulations such as these. Also, I think that every person who wishes to have a child should have to take a test to determine if they are competent enough to do so. I mean, you can't even wash someone's hair at the salon without passing a damn test. We can't drive a care without passing a damn test. However, we can have as many kids as we want, no preperation necessary! The test would be as follows:

True/ False 1) It is perfectly safe to leave a four year old child in a locked car for three hours in the middle of July.

True/False 2) I believe that Mellow Yellow, hostess cupcakes and pixie stixs represent the eleven major food groups and therefore constitute a very healthy, balanced meal.

True/ False 3) I graduated from high school

True/ False 4) I have more pride in myself and my family than to take my child to school knowing that his head is completely covered in lice and he hasn't washed his ass in weeks.

True/ False 5) I will probably buy my daughter breast implants for her fifteenth birthday.

True/ False 6) I am/have been/probably will be on welfare

Etc., etc. What do you think?

It really makes me mad that people are so self-involved. Everyone thinks that they are better than everyone else, therefore their children will be better than everyone else, and therefore they are entitled to have as many as they want and take up everyone elses oxygen, money and space. They just keep on reproducing, building up horrible credit buying things like Eddie Bauer strollers and Gucci baby jogging suits, letting their kids run amuck all over the place. (It always strikes me as odd that the people who have the most children and seem so hell bent on having as many as possible are the worst parents. Their kids are disrespectful and spoiled out of their ugly little heads and they make my life miserable.) And, just a quick sidenote, I think it is incredibly irresponsible and cruel of the human race to keep on having more and more children when their are kids all over the world living on the streets, starving, lonely, being abused or shifted through the foster care system. I say let's take care of the one's we have before we make a whole bunch of new ones. You might say, "Well, I want children of my own and those other kids aren't my responsibility." Yeah, they are the entire worlds' responsibility, because when they grow up, they are just going to be older versions of themselves--bitter, hungry, lonely, hurting. And they are going to make your life and living hell.

I hope I get some nasty responses to this.